Attachment styles

A few weeks ago, I was on a lunch date with my sister, and the topic of attachment styles came up. I was sharing with her how my therapist diagnosed me with anxious attachment when it comes to relationships, and she didn't know what that was, she had never heard of it. So, I have decided to dedicate this blog post to introduce my reading audience to these styles.

I was dealing with someone a few years back and fell extremely hard for them. I felt like I was in so much love that my body hurt at the thought of losing them. Eventually, the time came when we had to end the relationship, and I couldn’t handle it. I began feeling anxious, though I didn’t recognize it as anxiety at the time. I started to feel unworthy, unlovable, and full of self-doubt, wondering if I had done something to cause everything to fall apart. I cried constantly, felt sad, and couldn't enjoy my life. I was stuck. As my dad always says about being stuck, I was in an endless circle and couldn’t find my way out.

I didn’t understand that it was a mutual decision — even though my body and mind couldn’t catch up to what was right for both of us.

It wasn’t until a session with my therapist that I asked her what diagnosis she might give me if she were a clinician who offered formal diagnoses. She said one thing I was struggling with was anxious attachment.

As we explored different traits rooted in my childhood and upbringing, she recommended a book titled Attached. I bought it and started reading. I haven’t finished it yet, but I’m slowly digesting each chapter — one page at a time.

Below are brief descriptions of each style and how they can hinder or help our relationships.

Attachment styles are the patterns we develop in childhood that influence how we relate to others—especially in close relationships. Based on early experiences with caregivers, these styles shape how we seek closeness, deal with conflict, and express emotions.

There are four main attachment styles:

· Secure Attachment: People with this style are comfortable with intimacy and independence. They tend to trust others, communicate openly, and maintain healthy boundaries.

· Anxious Attachment: Individuals with this style often crave closeness but fear abandonment. They may be sensitive to signs of rejection and seek constant reassurance in relationships.

· Avoidant Attachment: These individuals value independence and often feel uncomfortable with too much closeness. They may struggle to express emotions or open up to others.

· Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment: A mix of anxious and avoidant traits, this style is often linked to trauma. People may desire connection but fear getting hurt, leading to push-pull dynamics.

Understanding my attachment style has helped me navigate the relationships in my life more effectively. I’ve learned to use tools from my therapist and from others to bring myself to a place of calm when I’m feeling anxious or overwhelmed in my relationships.

I’ve learned to pause, breathe deeply, and practice mindfulness through reflection to regulate my nervous system. I challenge negative thoughts with positive affirmations and remind myself that I am worthy of love and connection.

For example, I used to get frustrated when I reached out to someone I cared about and didn’t get a response as quickly as I expected. Those moments would trigger feelings of abandonment or rejection; feelings rooted in my childhood. After talking with my therapist, I came to understand that it’s not that I’m being ignored, even if it feels that way at the moment. The people I care about usually respond or call back when they have a break in their schedule.

I share all this to say: I am a work in progress, but each day I become a more healed version of myself.

Sending you love, light and positive vibes,

Cassie K.

#SayItOnSunday

#CassieKarch

"Always remember to LIVE life to the fullest, to LAUGH at everything and to LOVE unconditionally!"